| brucekluger.com |
Memo to George #8 Christmas presents for Rummy, Condi, Colin, et al—but a big bag of coal for Ari! By Bruce Kluger and David Slavin
Date: December 20, 2001 To: The President From: Andrew H. Card, Jr., Chief of Staff Re: The Season of Giving cc: Karl, Karen Mr. President: Ho-ho-howdy, Santa-in-Chief. As you know, every year at this time it's a White House tradition to begin doling out Christmas goodies to friends of the
understocked: In fact, all that's left from your direct predecessor is a blanket from The Black Dog and a stack of Whitman's Leaves of Grass. But all for the better. I say we take a powder on the "official" stocking stuffers this year, and show off your rascally sense of fun by spiking the Administrative egg nog with a few gag gifts. I mean, it's not like we're going to put plastic poo on Ted Kennedy's mouse pad (Karen: Can we?), but maybe a few of these will tickle your Yuletide fancy:
it, the cave blows up. Priceless. JOHN ASHCROFT: Something small—like whatever's left of the First Amendment. GEN. COLIN POWELL: Christmas balls. GALE NORTON: A power drill (The ArcticBlaster model.) DICK: Specially recorded for the Vice President: A CD of Andy Williams singing "I'll Be [at a secure undisclosed location] For Christmas." CONDI: (Still up in the air. No one knows what the hell you get someone for Kwanzaa. Karen: make some calls. If J.C. Watts doesn't know, bite the bullet and ask Jesse.) ALAN GREENSPAN: A bag of those chocolate Hanukkah coins. It's a little late, but so were his rate cuts. (Any leftovers we give to Ari—he's been pissy ever since the tree went up. Xmas envy, perhaps?) VLADIMIR PUTIN: An official Department of Defense umbrella with a logo that reads: "Lil' Shield-ski." (Wolfie's idea—isn't it a hoot?) ARIEL SHARON: A copy of How To Win Friends and Influence People (Arab- language edition). YASIR ARAFAT: Same thing. HAMID KARZAI: For the embattled interim president of Afghanistan, the one thing every leader needs to defend his election from hostile forces: Katherine Harris' phone number. SADDAM HUSSEIN: An autographed picture of you and your dad. Both smiling. Inscription: "We know if you've been bad or good, so be good for goodness sake. Schmuck." DICK ARMEY: A gold watch in honor of his impending retirement, with the inscription: "You'll always be the biggest Dick around." (Don't worry—Veep OK'd it.) TOM DASCHLE: A Christmas card from the fourth grade class at the Greendale School in Franklin Park, N.J. (We'll get Karen's kid to address it. Karen: Can we?) STROM THURMOND: The Clapper. BARNEY FRANK: Fruitcake. THE FOX NEWS CHANNEL: Just a thank-you note for its "unbiased coverage." We'll pin it to a slab of red meat. O'Reilly will howl. CHRISTIANE AMANPOUR: A burka-parka from L.L. Bean. ASHLEIGH BANFIELD: A burka-bustier from Victoria's Secret. ANDREW SULLIVAN: A portrait of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. But we'll give him a brown nose. ELIZABETH & BOB DOLE: For Liddy: help with her upcoming election. For Bob: help with his ongoing erection. (Karen: Can you?) HILLARY CLINTON & CHUCK SCHUMER: The rest of their $20 billion bailout. In Enron stock. MAYOR GIULIANI: A hand-painted nativity scene, with "Baby Rudy" in the basket. (We'll make Pataki a donkey.) BILL CLINTON: Jumbo postcard of the White House, inscribed: "(Bet You) Wish You Were Here." AL GORE: Ditto. And we'll throw in a basket of Harry & David grapes. Extra sour. OSAMA: Mistletoe. As in "cruise missile-toe." To all a good night, loser. Call me. Andy |
