The New Republic Online, July 28, 2000

    Farewell, Alan (An Ode)

    By Bruce Kluger

    “Alan Keyes drops presidential
    race.”, 7/25/00

    As Bush and Cheney hit the road,
    triumphant in their pairing,
    a roaring voice from distant past
    is plaintively declaring:

    "The race is done, I’m pulling out,
    I’ll broker no convention.
    I’ll miss the way you cheered me on;
    you’ll miss my wild dissension."

    And in a blink, he’s gone like that! No hemming and no hawing.
    ‘Tis Alan Keyes (remember him?) officially withdrawing.

    He’s out of luck, he’s out of time, he’s sapped his cagey cunning;
    he’s stepping down (though, frankly put, who knew he still was running?).

    Oh, angry Al, we’ll miss you so, your Harvard-bred convictions;
    your Roman-Catholic discipline, your daily maledictions.

    Your flailing arms, your sonic boom, your frantic bellicosities;
    the way you rambled on about our national atrocities:

    the soulless homosexuals,
    the slothful lower classes;
    the lame United Nations
    and the wretched, Godless masses;

    the gone-to-hell abortionists,
    the shameful anti-gunners;
    the atheistic heathens
    and the income-taxing dunners.

    the wishful-thinking liberals,
    the Democratic brothers;
    and, Lord have mercy on our souls,
    those blasted single mothers.

    We won’t have you to kick around, to challenge our morality;
    to tell us as a nation that we’re drowning in carnality;

    to rail against our President in manner dictatorial;
    to puff and preen and vent your spleen (you’re so ambassadorial!).

    So how will hist’ry recollect your longings Presidential?
    (The delegates you tallied weren’t exactly consequential.)

    Or will you be remembered for your cynical conjecture?
    For taking over “Crossfire” with a thirty-minute lecture?

    For jumping in a mosh pit, for endless hew-and-crying;
    for scaring kiddies in a class with spooky speechifying?

    Or maybe you’ll just fade away, like also-rans before you.
    And maybe we’ll forget why voters opted to ignore you.

    Should old Buchanan be forgot, and with him Forbes and Bauer,
    we bid farewell to Alan Keyes, the mad man of the hour!