brucekluger.com

    Psychology Today, November-December 2003

    A White-Knuckle Christmas
    This holiday season, sugarplums won't be the only things dancing in our
    heads. PT considers the 12 Neuroses of Christmas.

    By Bruce Kluger


    Over the years, self-help authors have
    bent themselves into a pop-psych
    pretzel trying to identify and cure a
    battery of seasonal ailmentsfrom the
    midsummer doldrums to spring fever to
    back-to-school blahs. What surprises
    me is that, with all this credentialed
    attention paid to the emotional
    distresses that seem to come and go
    with the equinoxes, nowhere has there
    been a serious exploration of
    Thanksgiving-to-Christmastime angst.

    Oh, sure, you've read the homespun tips for coping with the upcoming seasonal
    stress (e.g., relentless familial interaction, gift-giving anxiety, Bowl Game viewing
    selection). But where is a down-and-dirty checklist of those real turkey-to-mistletoe
    neurosesyou know, the ones that linger in the pit of your stomach like a lump of
    coal in the toe of a stocking?

    Having celebrated 47 Christmases in my lifetime18 of them as the youngest son
    in a Jewish family, 19 as a carefree agnostic and the past ten holed up in the guest
    room of my Episcopalian in-laws' house in ClevelandI know a thing or two about
    how the yuletide brings out the fruitcake in all of us.

    Deck the halls, America. Carefully.

    Orderline Personality Disorder (OPD): The inability to stop calling 1-800
    numbers in pursuit of last-minute holiday sales. Hopelessly devoted to low-budget,
    late-night infomercialsand secure in the knowledge that operators are, indeed,
    standing byOPD sufferers commonly exhibit three telltale symptoms of their buy-
    by-phone disorder: an unusually flat ear; the inability to recite numbers without also
    mentioning a cardholder name and expiration date; and a sudden addiction to three
    a.m. reruns of Three's Company on Nick at Nite. (Technophobes who still own
    rotary phones also run the risk of developing Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.)

    Ho-Ho-Phobia (HHP): A profound fear of rotund, bearded men in red suits and
    black boots. HHP outbreaks usually surface in late November, when sufferers begin
    to report frequent sightings of their most feared apparition on street corners, in
    shop windows and on TV commercials for local car dealerships. Often referring to
    these men as Santa Claus, St. Nick or "chortling fatboy," the afflicted appear most
    unsettled by what they call "department store Santas," whom they insist "are
    constantly surrounded by cranky little men in green outfits who keep glancing at
    their watches." (See following related disorders.)

    North-Polar Disorder (NPD): The chronic fear that someone is on the roof.

    Blitzen Fits (BF): Uncontrollable tantrums resulting from the belief that reindeer
    have befouled one's driveway.

    Calendar Countdown Condition (CCC): An unyielding obsession with how many
    shopping days are left until Christmas. Constantly reaching for Palm Pilots and
    notepads, CCC sufferers feel a pressing need to absorb and retain a daunting
    litany of time zones, store hours and driving mileage in support of their shop-or-
    drop obsession. "It's amazing," notes Harvard University's Arnold Belfry, who has
    studied CCC. "Some of these people can't even balance their checkbooks. But can
    they number-crunch the time it takes to get to the Radio Shack on Route 40? Down
    to the millisecond." CCC is most commonly found among former math majors,
    chronic coupon-clippers and old ladies who still use tiny change purses.

    Saksual Dysfunction (SD) (also known as Saks Addiction): A disabling sense of
    disappointment upon receiving a gift that wasn't purchased at Saks Fifth Avenue.
    Unable to control winces, grimaces and stony pouts after opening their presents,
    SD sufferers were previously thought to be incurable. Yet new hope emerged last
    year when, in an experimental trial, Geraldine Koop of Bellport, Long Island, was
    gradually exposed to lesser-quality Christmas gifts during a two-week period.
    Successfully uttering half-convincing thank-yous after receiving a toaster oven from
    Macy's and a pair of Isotoner driving gloves from the Fashion Bug, Koop was
    pronounced entirely cured when she actually screamed, "Just what I've always
    wanted!" after getting a Weed Whacker from Wal-Mart. (See following related
    disorder.)

    Angoraphobia (AP): A chronic fear that cousin Harriet from Omaha sent you
    another homemade sweater for Christmas.

    OCD-AAA: A variation on obsessive-compulsive disorder, in which sufferers are
    constantly on the verge of panic for fear that they forgot to buy triple-A batteries for
    their kid's Game Boy. Although researchers once believed OCD-AAA was chiefly a
    male syndrome passed from father to son, new data point to a variant in married
    women. Currently classified OCD-BVD, the affliction manifests in wives' inability to
    choose between boxers and briefs when underwear shopping for their spouses.
    (Further studies are currently being conducted under a joint grant from the AMA,
    NIH and the Fruit of the Loom Foundation.)

    Semitic Phlegm Syndrome (SPS): The inability to make the guttural, Hebraic ch
    sound when pronouncing the word "Chanukah." Primarily afflicting children, gentiles
    and seriously lapsed Jews, SPS sufferers become paralyzed with fear that a
    passing remark about Chanukah at the dinner table will cause them to launch
    unexpected throat projectiles into the mashed potatoes. Sufferers typically isolate
    themselves from family members during spontaneous 'round-the-piano sing-alongs,
    particularly during the number "(C)happy (C)holidays."

    Tongue-Tied Terror (TTT): The inability to speak normally in the presence of
    one's in-laws at the holiday dinner table. Often referred to by its clinical name,
    "selective relational mutism," TTT renders sufferers with a sudden loss of speech
    during family meals, primarily when potential in-laws make such passing inquiries
    as, "So what are your intentions?" "How soon can you give us grandkids?" and the
    more pointed "How much did you say you make?"

    Dick Clark Syndrome (DCS): Named for the American entertainer most famously
    associated with New Year's, DCS encompasses a host of fixations in which
    celebrants find their calendar-turning revelry marked more by lid-flipping than cork-
    popping. Sub-ailments include Fez-o-Phobia, a fear of silly paper hats; Midnight
    Madness, the dread of being kissed as the clock strikes 12 by a slobbering
    stranger with beer breath; and Synusitis, the inability to accurately define the words
    "auld," "lang" and/or "syne."

    Walking Winter-Wonderland Disease (WWW): The inability to be giddy or
    mirthful at the sight of a new snowfall. Constantly complaining about the clatter of
    snow chains and expressing a sudden need to shovel the walk, the WWW-afflicted
    often remain debilitated by this wet-white-blanket disorder until the first spring thaw.
    For further information on WWW disease, log on to the national Web site at www.
    www.edu.