The Los Angeles Times, January 17, 2003
Whoever Dies With the Most Fabulous Prizes Wins
By Bruce Kluger and David Slavin
[Game show music; audience
HOST: Hello, viewers. Welcome
back to Let's Make a War! If
you're just tuning in, our
contestant, George, from
Crawford, Texas, is about to
choose from three spectacular
grand prizes, each one hidden
behind a door on our stage.
HOST: OK, I'll tell you a little bit about what's behind each door, and you decide
which one you want. But remember, George, you have to keep whatever you get.
Here we go.
Eastern nation whose maniacal leader has been the splinter in the foot of American
presidents for more than a decade. Should you take the prize, you may succeed in
toppling this mustachioed madman and turn his vast oil fields into your own
personal Sunoco station. But beware: You may end up in the quicksand, ultimately
spending billions of your nation's dollars just to annex a barren wasteland whose
citizens can't stand you....
GEORGE: Gee, I wonder what my dad would do in a situation like this.
HOST: Oooh, sorry, George, he had his chance. Now, it's up to you!
GEORGE: Um, tell me about Door Number Two.
HOST: OK! Behind Door Number Two is a tense confrontation with an isolated,
belligerent nation on an Asian peninsula that in recent months has confessed to
scheming to build a nuclear stockpile capable of flattening the Earth like a scallion
pancake. Take the prize and you could save the world from a jumpsuited,
pompadoured crackpot dictator. On the other hand, you may end up lighting the
fuse yourself, leading us all to the great big boom!
GEORGE: Whoa, this is a tough one. Let me ask you a question: When you say
nuclear weapons, is that the same thing as "nuke-you- lar"?
[A bell rings.]
HOST: Same thing! Now what will it be?
GEORGE: Maybe I better take a gander at Door Number Three.
HOST: All right. Door Number Three is your continuing crusade to capture a
notorious terrorist and dismantle his network of evildoers. Choose this door and
you could rid the world of a real and dangerous villain. But should you fail, your
nation may turn to someone else to do the job in 2004. So, George, which door will
GEORGE: Can I phone a friend?
HOST: Wrong show, but for you, George, sure.
GEORGE [into phone]: Dick? Hi, it's me. Are you watching? (Pause) Yeah, thanks.
Laura picked out the tie. So ... what should I do? (Pause) Really? What does Karl
think? (Pause) Okey-dokey. [He hangs up.]
HOST: So, George, it's the moment of truth. Let's Make a War! Will it be ... Door
Number One, Door Number Two or Door Number Three?
GEORGE: I think ... I'm going ... to take ... 'em all!
[Audience erupts in cheers.]
HOST: He's taking all three! What a champ!
[Theme music begins again; credits roll.]
HOST: Well, folks, that's all the time we have for "Let's Make a War!" Join us next
week ... if there is a next week.